Nature vs. Nurture: Where did my own mental health struggles come from?

Personal #3, My Recovery Story

In my last post, I revealed that I have been learning to live with multiple mental health conditions for over the past decade now, OCD and depressive disorder being the main ones. Concurrently, I also experienced issues with alcohol, which I believe formed out of my inability to healthily cope with the aforementioned disorders and their symptoms. In this second post of my new personal series, “My Recovery Story”, I would like to explore how and why I think I came to develop these issues. In doing so, I believe we will be able to see things that could have been changed or done differently so that these issues might have been avoided or at least the effects made less severe and lasting. Besides self-exploration/learning/etc, it is my hope in writing this that it might help those who read it think critically about the environments we are creating and exposing our children to, and what the potential long-term impacts of those might be.   

When you really get down to it, there are only two possible explanations for why someone might develop mental health problems. The first is the “Nature” explanation, that these disorders are somehow programmed into their DNA or something goes wrong biologically to cause them. This line of reasoning concludes that a person will struggle with these conditions regardless of their environment or life experiences. On the other end of the spectrum, the “Nurture” explanation posits that someone’s environment and life experiences are the reasons why they develop these struggles. Reflecting upon my own lived experience, I believe that both are definitely involved. Though I had similar life experiences to family members and friends, they definitely didn’t effect us all equally, and so my unique disposition/Nature had to have been a factor. However, I’d like to focus more on the Nurture conversation, because I believe the environment I grew up in and my childhood life experiences played just as big a role in how things turned out as my Nature did.

I also find the Nurture conversation more interesting and important because it is the aspect over which we have the most control, or at least influence. By better understanding how environments and our behaviors impact the development and mental health of others, especially that of our children, we can do our best to change them so that we maximize the chances that they will develop into healthy adults that both enjoy life and make the world around them a better place.        

From my own childhood, there are many factors I could potentially point to in order to explain why I am the way that I am, and I’m sure they all played at least some part. However, I believe the two most impactful factors in my development by far were my unique family dynamics and the Catholic Church.

On my dad’s side, my extended family is highly successful and fairly well-respected in the small Pennsylvania town that I come from, which is the same town where my family has lived since they immigrated there from Europe in the early 1900s. From the outside, it would appear that I won the lottery when it came to being born into this family. And to be honest, in a lot of ways (probably most ways), I would have to agree that this is true. I grew up very privileged, not only materially, but more importantly, in terms of having a tight-knit family with lots of people that cared about me and supported me. As I reflect on all the different families I’ve come into contact with over the years, both at home and abroad, the privilege feels especially prevalent. However, privilege definitely does not equal perfect. And, when I look back, I can clearly see how some of my childhood family dynamics (characteristics, values, behaviors, etc.) interacted very poorly with my unique personality to create unhealthy thinking patterns that lead to mental health problems. The biggest culprits being our collective perfectionism and competitiveness.

(Tangent: these two characteristics are pervasive throughout U.S. culture and I would expect that they can be linked as significant factors for the high rates of mental illness that we have in the country compared to other places in the world. Exploring this topic would take another post, or book, or maybe even series of books, so we won’t go there – at least not at this time.)

But back to my own family … there wasn’t much space given for flaws or struggles. As one of my good friends and mentors used to tell me quite often: “it isn’t easy being an Irwin.” It took me a long time to fully comprehend what he was saying, but I definitely can say I understand now what he was getting at.

There are no secrets as to why my family has been successful. The standards initially set by my great-grandparents and passed down generationally to me were very, very high. These standards were not always made explicit, but they were definitely still present, such as in the examples set by my grandparents in how they lived their daily lives. Growing up, I thought both of them were pretty much perfect, and I wanted to be just like them, especially my grandfather, whom everyone loved and for good reason. We shared many similar characteristics, including how we look, so I figured it had to be achievable. It never occurred to me as a young boy or even a teenager that comparing myself with someone 50 years older than me was just a tiny bit unrealistic.

However, these unrealistic expectations were STRONGLY reinforced at home by my father who had the habit of critiquing almost every single thing I did when I was young. It didn’t matter if I did something nearly perfect, he would invariably be able to find something in it that “wasn’t good enough”. The worst part though, was when he would lose his temper, which I recall being quite often when I was growing up, especially compared to other fathers. As a child who absolutely hated conflict, these outbursts were EXTREMELY uncomfortable for me, and so I avoided them at all costs. I was decently intelligent as a young boy, so I quickly found out what triggered them and did everything I could to make sure that I didn’t do that. I even went as far as minimizing my overall interactions with him since that seemed to be the most fool-proof method of prevention. Eventually, I got so good at this game that my brothers and sisters started calling me “perfect Pat” because I didn’t leave many opportunities for him to get mad at me. I also did my best to avoid doing things that would disappoint my mother, as I knew she took these things very personally, and I hated making her upset. Everything that I thought I could control as a child, I did my best to control, including my grades, behavior, what I said, etc. Essentially, I did my best to be as perfect as I possibly could at all times, because that was the only way I could ensure that I didn’t have to feel uncomfortable, guilty, or not good enough, which were feelings that I felt very intensely and had a hard time dealing with when they came on.

This pressure to be perfect didn’t just come from home. Going to church every Sunday and attending Catholic school from pre-school through high school gave me plenty of extra motivation not to make mistakes. After all, it was only my eternal soul on the line. Through church/school, I was introduced to Jesus, who became my other major role model and yard stick for measuring my self-worth/value. The Jesus I learned about sounded a whole lot like my grandfather, so I concluded that if my grandpa could be like him, then so could I. Of course, I noticed all kinds of adults around me of all ages that weren’t living like him, but I vowed that I would be different. I was going to be one of the very few people who actually lived the way we were being taught to in church/school. Again, I don’t think it ever really occurred to me that I was literally measuring myself against the son of God/God himself. Even if it did, I honestly don’t think it would have made much difference. From what I could tell, members of my family were doing it, and after all, my parents made it very clear to me that there was nothing I couldn’t do. My dad made sure to literally drive that message into my head as a child by giving me a smack there every time I said “I can’t” do something.

All these things collaborated to make young Patrick someone who had a very hard time accepting or dealing with any sort of imperfection within himself. It was okay for other people to make certain mistakes, but not me, I was supposed to be better. I believed I had the power to do everything right, just like my family members and role models, so when I didn’t, I took it as a direct personal failure on my part. My response to this was always to try harder and try to control myself more, never to just accept I wasn’t perfect, try to learn the lesson, forgive myself, and move forward. It didn’t occur to me that maybe I too was also human and all these ideals I saw around me, were just that, ideals.

I don’t think it helped things that this strategy seemed to work out quite well for me for the first 18 years of my life. I finished at the top of my class in grade school and third in my class in high school. I excelled in just about every sport or activity that I participated in. I was rarely in trouble, generally well-liked, had lots of friends, and was often praised by adults for how good of a kid I was. Therefore, I had no reason to make any changes, nor could I ever dream that the way I was thinking and living were actually quite unhealthy. I wouldn’t have to wait much longer though before I was confronted with these facts. Around the time of my 18^th birthday/high school graduation, I became acutely aware that something in my mind was not quite right. This experience and the changes within myself that followed would forever change my life. This is what I plan to discuss in my next post …     

I understand that some may see this post as bitter, that I am just taking jabs at all the people and institutions that I blame for my mental and spiritual struggles. And, I’ll admit, there was a long-time where I was extremely bitter, mainly toward Christianity, religion, and God in general. I carried resentments toward these institutions and ideas for a long-time, as I blamed them for all the battles I fought inside of me, battles that caused me tremendous stress, anxiety, and pain. These constant battles were exhausting, which is why I took such a liking to alcohol. Drinking was about the only thing I knew of that could actually quiet the noise in my head. The only problem was, once I started, I had a very hard time stopping. This of course was just a recipe for creating new and more intense battles that I would have to face the following morning.

Through the practice of Recovery and therapy, I am happy to say I’ve been able to let go of a lot of these resentments I once held, and they no longer hold nearly as much power over me. I can’t say that they are completely gone, I know I still have more work to do. It will likely be a lifelong process. However, I’m hopeful that the worst is behind me. The practice of Recovery also made it very clear to me that now that I am an adult I alone am responsible for my choices, including those which will keep me well. I am no longer a child and cannot point my finger and blame others, nor can I look for them to come and save me.   

I understand that the choices and behaviors of my family, especially that of my parents, came from a place of wanting what was best for me. However, I believe a lot of those behaviors were unknowingly motivated by fear and a false sense that they had control over how I turned out, not just influence. Unfortunately, I see these same behaviors repeated by parents across the globe (of course it is more prevalent in some cultures than others). I do have to acknowledge the tremendous positive growth that I have witnessed within my family (both immediate and extended) over the years. The family that I wrote about above, was the family that I grew up in, it is not the family that I live with today. Today, we are much more open, authentic, and real. We are less competitive and more understanding/supportive of each other, despite some major flaws and complexities that some of us (myself included) bring to the table. I believe we still have a ways to go, which is why my family will be one of the first to get sent a copy of this post; however, I am hopeful that it will be well received, discussed, and only add momentum to our continued collective growth. I am also hopeful that it will remove barriers to conversations and encounters that will continue to improve my relationships with family members.

In terms of my own spirituality/religious beliefs, I can only say that I am still trying to figure it out. Right now, all I can say is that I don’t know the answers for certain, and I’m okay with that. One thing I do know, is that if I have children of my own in the future, I find it hard to believe that I will subject them to any conservative church or affiliated school. There are many paths to “God”, and I’d prefer to let them take ones that generate a lot less emotional baggage.

My grandfather used to say, and still does, that children need a conservative foundation to start with. Sorry pap, but I can’t say that I still agree with this. I believe we underestimate the goodness and intelligence of our children. They can come to understand right and wrong at a young age without being scared into it. We only need to help them cultivate awareness of how their behaviors impact the people around them and the world in general. This certainly takes more time, and more energy, but I believe the rewards are better and more sustainable in the long run.  

I believe that “God” dwells within each one of us, as us. There is no man-made religion that has produced a perfect guidebook for finding it, and let’s make no mistake, all the religions of this world are man-made. It is good to study the wisdom that is present in all the major religions, but keeping in mind that this wisdom is present in all of them. I believe there are some really amazing things to be learned and discovered when we look at the teachings that they all have in common, especially since they were developed by different people, in different places, and at different times. I believe that dogma, beliefs laid down by an authority and accepted as incontrovertibly true without critical analysis, is the real enemy to progress. Dogma leads to rigid structures, beliefs, and rules that often act as an impediment to connecting with the Spirit (a less loaded term I like to use for the concept of “God”). Although I find studying the collective wisdom of the world’s religions to be helpful, ultimately I believe that all we need to do to connect and align with the Spirit is to quiet ourselves and listen to what our heart and intuition are already telling us.

That is why this quote from Steve Jobs is probably my favorite quote of all time:

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

Thank you for reading, and I hope you found it worthwhile! I would love to hear your thoughts and own ideas, regardless if they are similar or different. Please share them in the comments and/or in the chat.

I’ll see ya when I see ya. Until then, the journey continues!